Secrets of a Fat Girl #13 - Periods

#13 - Being overweight my periods are irregular. This is both a blessing and a curse. Pro is I might go months without a period. No pain, no mess, no annoyingly akward moments buying pads at the register. Con is when it does come you aren't expecting it and you aren't prepared at all. Also if your trying to get pregnant ovulation and fertility days might as well be Ancient Mayan Calendar dates to you.

Secrets of a Fat Girl #12 - The Booby/Tummy Gap

#12 - Speaking of gaps there are two more that need addressing. The booby and tummy gaps. The booby gap is when a button up shirt is either buttoned across the bosom and it looks like it's about to rip the shirt in two to keep from exposing the girls, or when it gives up and just completely comes undone by it's own accord in the most inconvenient times. The tummy gap is also involved only in the button up shirt department. The last one or two buttons face the same dilemma as the booby gap, either stretching to contain you, or coming undone. So why not go up to a bigger size? Because then it doesn't fit in the shoulders right anymore. Or how about shirts that are made of super thin material and is super cute, but after being worn once it likes to roll up completely to your boobs altogether? WHY IS WEARING CLOTHES SO DIFFICULT?

Secrets of a Fat Girl #11 - Butt Gaps

#11 - Why is it so hard to find jeans for people with big butts? Unless you pay ridiculously overpriced name brand jeans, finding a cheap pair from Wal-mart will undoubtable result in the dreaded butt gap. A butt gap is the gap between your lowers back/butt area and your jeans. If it fits over your butt, it will not hug your lower back and it will show your lovely size 3x undies to the world. I do not know what voodoo make the name brand store have that correct this problem, or even how, but it's a revelation in science. Also the whole, just put a belt on it and that solves the problem is totally not true. A belt, if you can find on that wraps around all your fat, also makes you look cut at the waist, like your grandma. They are uncomfortable and restricting, and when you bend over, still do very little to hide the butt gap because it pulls down ridiculously low.

Secrets of a Fat Girl #10 - Lingerie

#10 - If you thought how you looked in a swimsuit was bad, lingerie is even worse. The sex industry I'm pretty sure just tries not to imagine fat people having sex ever. Or that's what they imply anyways if you look at their lingerie store. Absolutely adorable naughty night time clothes apparently only fit from a size 0-10. Anyone over that must sleep naked, or in a babydoll dress that does not ever look as good on you as it did on the photoshopped model. Ever heard of switching things up? Geez the babydoll dress for the 15th time is getting old. I've noticed though if I tried to squeeze myself into anything not a babydoll dress I feel three times as exposed, like my tummy needs it's own censor bar. Just because it jiggles suddenly makes it feel like it should be added to the 'these are extra funbags' category. Why can't plaid skirts, come in my size? Why can't that sexy nurse outfit not be cut off scrubs? Why do fishnets have to roll down my thighs? Why do I have to buy a super cute corset 3 sizes to big to fit my tummy, which in turn makes it the wrong size for my boobs? WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE SUPER SEXY CUTE STUFF TO FIT ALL OF ME AT THE SAME TIME?

Secrets of a Fat Girl #9 - Free Hugz

#9 - One day I saw myself giving a my husband a hug in a mirror. I was surprised to realize how my arms looked like two tiny vice grips slowly squeezing him to death. My tummy and chest overtake my form, exaggerating my limbs to look if possible extra short. Trying to wrap my arms completely around someone is a joke unless they are younger than the age of ten, otherwise I'm really just feeling up their backside.

Secrets of a Fat Girl #8 - Swimsuits

#8 - All swimsuits are not created equal. In fat all suits will automatically look bad on you. Bikini's are a joke. Super cute, but also puts EVERYTHING out there on the table. Tankini's allow for more coverage, but tend to roll up into a bikini shape, or float depending on the type; still displaying the goods. One pieces are the safest bet, but are usually boring and don't hide much on your rear end. Swim dresses if you can find one in your size are the best, but when you get out you look like you just survived drowning in your clothes, causing people to stop and ask if your okay. If you managed to find a suit in your size the patterns range from polka dots to old lady floral couch patterns. Neither one something you'd wear even if you weren't fat.

Oh and if you try to hide under a cover up forget it. The only coverups that cover all your goods make you in turn look like your wearing a circus tent.

Secrets of a Fat Girl #7 - Booby Bomb

#7 - Sometimes I wonder what would be more embarrassing; eating wearing a giant bib to protect your boobs, or walking around with that mustard stain all day. Both automatically make you look like you're a pig, but when your big so are your boobs. It's pretty much like trying to disarm a bomb. Both require a steady hand, slow movements, and lots of prayer.